Hello. attn: depressing Blargomatic shipment of vile thoughts ahaed

Hello dear internet inhabitant, especialy those of you located near belgium, great britain and two or three spots in the U.s. or China. Yes, yes, I am alive - obviously (pronounced in the most anoying way possible) - and I hope my uncommented & documented absent isnt worring you.

I am currently and constantly fed up with the internet and every second I spend on it makes this worse.

Social or human interaction especialy and dont you dare to think I think lowly of you, at least if we know each other a bit.

Its the combination of being unable to befriend people in my "real life" but on the other hand that I met so wonderfull people here on the internet, especialy youtube that shows me this and what I am missing.

You could say that I am too hard on people the first time I meet them, that I am too neurotic myself, that my expectations for them and myself are too high and all of these things are true but not my reason for doing so. I have over come those several times and if I want to I can.

But sadly thats not the problem I am having, as already said (or written if you have to be anal about that like me). Its the same reason why I stoped posting youtube videos several times and now again. I percive myself as being full with negativity and I dont want to spill that on other people, (the exact same thing I am doing right now) but thats what would happen if I open my mouth currently. I find political happenings depressing, economic things worring, my possibilities boring and my future life anticlimatic. In short: I live in a world where I am deprived of 99,9.....% of the stuff I want and need.

I broke up with my girlfriend (Lisa - remember from Jannuary) in march and then april, on my birthday again - for cheating on me a gazillion time eventhough she warned me even more often that this would happen, but not for her cheating on me, but the fact that my jealousy was eating me alive and I was shocked by that and couldnt take it. Now she is in vienna again, for quite some time actualy - we both are still in love I guess. That would be tragic alone, but the worst thing about this is she was the only person I was able to open up to without being treated like a little infant but still feeling "save" i.e. not poisoning their life with my vile thoughts, as she shared my view of this world.

We had some kind of "we make it through this" mentality wich - obviously - made me feel alive for the first time in years. To those who think "Ahhh, he was just in love" that migth be true but to be honest, I often was in love with equaly wonderfull woman and still feeling the way I do currently and that, to be quite honest, takes away almost all joy of falling in love. Just think about it, you meet someone wonderfull you adore and the only thing you can "give" them is a horrible pitch black view of your future and the future of this planet/world/humanity. Thats not a very pleasant thing to present as a "relationship-portion".