Hello dear internet inhabitant, especialy those of you located near belgium, great britain and two or three spots in the U.s. or China. Yes, yes, I am alive - obviously (pronounced in the most anoying way possible) - and I hope my uncommented & documented absent isnt worring you.
I am currently and constantly fed up with the internet and every second I spend on it makes this worse.
Social or human interaction especialy and dont you dare to think I think lowly of you, at least if we know each other a bit.
Its the combination of being unable to befriend people in my "real life" but on the other hand that I met so wonderfull people here on the internet, especialy youtube that shows me this and what I am missing.
You could say that I am too hard on people the first time I meet them, that I am too neurotic myself, that my expectations for them and myself are too high and all of these things are true but not my reason for doing so. I have over come those several times and if I want to I can.
But sadly thats not the problem I am having, as already said (or written if you have to be anal about that like me). Its the same reason why I stoped posting youtube videos several times and now again. I percive myself as being full with negativity and I dont want to spill that on other people, (the exact same thing I am doing right now) but thats what would happen if I open my mouth currently. I find political happenings depressing, economic things worring, my possibilities boring and my future life anticlimatic. In short: I live in a world where I am deprived of 99,9.....% of the stuff I want and need.
I broke up with my girlfriend (Lisa - remember from Jannuary) in march and then april, on my birthday again - for cheating on me a gazillion time eventhough she warned me even more often that this would happen, but not for her cheating on me, but the fact that my jealousy was eating me alive and I was shocked by that and couldnt take it. Now she is in vienna again, for quite some time actualy - we both are still in love I guess. That would be tragic alone, but the worst thing about this is she was the only person I was able to open up to without being treated like a little infant but still feeling "save" i.e. not poisoning their life with my vile thoughts, as she shared my view of this world.
We had some kind of "we make it through this" mentality wich - obviously - made me feel alive for the first time in years. To those who think "Ahhh, he was just in love" that migth be true but to be honest, I often was in love with equaly wonderfull woman and still feeling the way I do currently and that, to be quite honest, takes away almost all joy of falling in love. Just think about it, you meet someone wonderfull you adore and the only thing you can "give" them is a horrible pitch black view of your future and the future of this planet/world/humanity. Thats not a very pleasant thing to present as a "relationship-portion".
I am back!
vor 14 Jahren
5 Kommentare:
wanna drop out of society with me?
just think: no wires or cables...hand-build a house out of clay or twigs or something. build one of those stone hearths for cooking and such. sounds nice to me...
i guess that would just be too easy, though...but still, it sounds nice;-)
ps: board games are allowed. (especially checkers, trivial pursuit and uno)
I don't think you should be too concerned about spilling negativity onto other people, it is part of being human.
I will bring kerplunk to callies commune.
I never felt you spilled negativity on me because you were talking about your negative feelings. If anything, it made me feel good that you were sharing. It's like speaking the same language - it makes it easier to laugh, too.
Me likey you - whether happy or down, here or lost in the 'meat'(real) world
your pal :)
how odd, my verification word is "pityy" not that its relevant or anything, its just not often I get a real word there.
Matthias, you are a wonderful beautiful soul just the way you are. Why do you think we all hang around you so much.
the world can be a very depressing place. I think we've all experienced that to different degrees. but we have to believe that we can make our own reality within the bigger reality, and create a little contentment for ourselves only because if we don't do it for ourselves, no one else is going to do it for us, and it will never happen all on its own. It took me years to train myself to push through my negative internal dialogue and listen to another voice... one that was more patient with me, one that was more encouraging, and one that gave me permission to be imperfect and told me it was okay. and I am so in perfect! The voice isn't always a strong as I would like it to be, but I know I can manifest it if I need it. Sometimes it's hard to take control of your own destiny when there are so many obstacles to happiness it seems. The only thing in life I can control is my own attitude about it. I can choose how I let things affect me, without becoming ignorant to the truth.and I guess I should say it again, it doesn't always work perfectly, the things I'm describing, but for me it was the only thing that brought me some relief to some very hard times. Times similar to what you're describing: self-loathing, insecurity, social anxieties, apathy. These feelings are deadly like cancer. I'm saying all these things just to try to be encouraging and I hope I have not overstepped any boundaries. You are a very intelligent person, I am confident you will find your way ♥
I have blah blahed long enough.
much love!
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