Sex

I wrote a long blog about this, but I think I can make this short as well. You can thank me later for it.

Basicaly - I dont like sex all that much. At least in comparison to the people that talk about how awsome sex is all the time. Sometimes I feel the need to say "Hey, all fine and dandy with me, but for me its different." Maybe another windmill I am fighting, but who cares why my intentions are.

One thing I hate about sex is that it is so fetishisised in our "culture".

Almost like "I fuck, therefore I am."

The more you fuck, the better your sex is, the more extravagant your places of intercourse are, etcetera, the better.

The other thing, and this is what this blog is/should be about is that you have to be so god-damn serious while having sexual intercourse. Well at least 4/5 of my long-time sexual partners (4 weeks and up) where like that.

I dont blame them, if they need to be in a certain mood to enjoy sex than thats the way it is, on the other hand me being the ADDish guy I am this has to lead to complications, at least for me.

If the average person has sex, they think about sex and if they dont well they at least dont let their partner feel that - or at least thats what I am thinking (correct me if I am wrong). The problem I am having is that when I am having sex, its like any other thing I do. My head doesnt stop to multitask. I think about this, I think about that and then I feel the urge to share all of this with the person right infront of me (or at least my closer vincinity.

So I am stuck in the worst position imaginable for me: Knowing I am not allowed to do something but feeling the urge to do it regardless of what is "proper" for the situation. In public - I sometimes feel the nead to swear (and swear a lot) and this gets worse and worse and worse. While having sex, on the other hand, I feel the need to talk about one of my random bullshit theories, a joke I just remembered or a story I just recently heard and every passing second this urge to tell that gets stronger and stronger and stronger. Sadly thats not the worst part of this.

The idea of how uncalled for it would be, to tell a joke (for example) while having sharing such an intimate moment amuses me to no end and when something amuses me I start to laugh, regardless of how uncalled for that might be.

End-Result: 2 out of 3 times while having sexual intercourse with someone I like and want to share my ideas with, I start to laugh uncontrollably. Usualy ruining the potential positive experience the other person may or may not have. Wich results in me violating the sacred act of sexual intercourse with satanic laughter and being a blasphemer in our time and age of the allmighty sex-religion (as mentioned as the first thing that anoys me about sex).

Blog to you laterz!

Poem 2

Adjective November

Polluted Snow
Cold Wheater
Sneezing Nostril

Introduction to Poems + Poem 1

I have been writing a lot latley. Guess that happens if you run out of good books and are more or less sleep & inernet-deprived. That or you get a job or get drunk. I will post some for my and potentialy your enjoyment here. One after another, mixed with my usual crap.

Anyway, I sent some stuff to a schoolmate who already published a few books and won two prices with her writing in the hopes for her "insight" and some sugesstions. As much as I like her, she didnt get the point and so her insight and suggestions where moot. The only thing I learned and one of the things she suggested was to "come to the point" and be more "concrete".

I wrote her a poem and sent it to her. It was very concrete.
This is the poem I just sent her, and its my most recent one - enjoy!


Results for the 45 Week of 08
Obama : McCain - 364 : 162
Capitalism : Communism - 185 : 8
World : Matthias - 10058 : 0
Art : Crap - 0 : 1

Palin

Yeah folks,
we here at bwhahrhrs watched the elections just like any one of you,
eventhough or at least very plausible with a diffrent focus. It all started a while back when a, so called, friend of mine sent me a link to a video on the internet.
It, the video, opened my eyes.
It completly changed the way I felt (at that moment and from that moment on).

Similar to a kid the second after waking up and realising "ITS CHRISTMAS!", just the reverse version of it. At least - I realised something. I felt something other than boredom.

I was frightned, I was shocked and still couldnt look away from the screen,
eventhough my whole bodey was revolting and hurting realy realy bad.
It was gruesome, it was vile, it was horrible.

Yep, you guessed it. It was a clip from a porn staring a Sarah Palin lookalike and to be quite honest I laughed for hours like a histerical hyena.

Thank you, that is all I have to say for now.
Hugs to my homies!

Hello. attn: depressing Blargomatic shipment of vile thoughts ahaed

Hello dear internet inhabitant, especialy those of you located near belgium, great britain and two or three spots in the U.s. or China. Yes, yes, I am alive - obviously (pronounced in the most anoying way possible) - and I hope my uncommented & documented absent isnt worring you.

I am currently and constantly fed up with the internet and every second I spend on it makes this worse.

Social or human interaction especialy and dont you dare to think I think lowly of you, at least if we know each other a bit.

Its the combination of being unable to befriend people in my "real life" but on the other hand that I met so wonderfull people here on the internet, especialy youtube that shows me this and what I am missing.

You could say that I am too hard on people the first time I meet them, that I am too neurotic myself, that my expectations for them and myself are too high and all of these things are true but not my reason for doing so. I have over come those several times and if I want to I can.

But sadly thats not the problem I am having, as already said (or written if you have to be anal about that like me). Its the same reason why I stoped posting youtube videos several times and now again. I percive myself as being full with negativity and I dont want to spill that on other people, (the exact same thing I am doing right now) but thats what would happen if I open my mouth currently. I find political happenings depressing, economic things worring, my possibilities boring and my future life anticlimatic. In short: I live in a world where I am deprived of 99,9.....% of the stuff I want and need.

I broke up with my girlfriend (Lisa - remember from Jannuary) in march and then april, on my birthday again - for cheating on me a gazillion time eventhough she warned me even more often that this would happen, but not for her cheating on me, but the fact that my jealousy was eating me alive and I was shocked by that and couldnt take it. Now she is in vienna again, for quite some time actualy - we both are still in love I guess. That would be tragic alone, but the worst thing about this is she was the only person I was able to open up to without being treated like a little infant but still feeling "save" i.e. not poisoning their life with my vile thoughts, as she shared my view of this world.

We had some kind of "we make it through this" mentality wich - obviously - made me feel alive for the first time in years. To those who think "Ahhh, he was just in love" that migth be true but to be honest, I often was in love with equaly wonderfull woman and still feeling the way I do currently and that, to be quite honest, takes away almost all joy of falling in love. Just think about it, you meet someone wonderfull you adore and the only thing you can "give" them is a horrible pitch black view of your future and the future of this planet/world/humanity. Thats not a very pleasant thing to present as a "relationship-portion".

My windmills are mailboxes

If I was the modernised version, including planed obsolence, of Don Quixote my daily fights and battles with my mailbox would fit the picture quite nicely.

Sure, my biggest windmill (read: dragon-slash-enemy, or dragon/enemy/archenemy/villian) would be myself or at least my lazyness - wich still is myself but afterwards and "right around the corner" (wich I guess makes no sense to say in english in this context) would be my mailbox.

When I enter and when I leave my house I have to go past the mailboxes for our house. 38 Appartments. 38 tiny Mailboxes.

Usualy I treat the mailbox like an average man/woman on the street. I look on the floor and ignore it(him/her) as best as I can, eventhough I am of course selfaware that looking on the floor on purpose is not ignoring, but thats a diffrent story.

So I walk past my dragon-breath breathing mailbox everyday at least twice.

When I leave my house and when I come back. Sure I dont realy need to ignore the mailbox while leaving. Carring a lot, I mean A LOT, of paperwork, advertisement-crap and what have you to the libary, then the supermarket and then the store where you can buy cigarettes makes no sense. But, then the dreaded moment comes when I come back.

One more thing:
My mailbox is one of many, as already said. It has tiny slots so you can see from the outside if there is post in it or not. I hate those slots.

Two scenarios when coming home:
Scenario one: I was so foolish to belive I dont have to ignore the mailbox when leaving my house this happens: As usual I stare at the floor while passing by and my counciousness rings like an alarm bell. "Have you forgotten how full that mailbox is, common Matthias. OPEN IT FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD!"

I feel like crap and still dont do it.

Second scenario:
I wasnt foolish enough to look at the mailbox when leaving and dont do it when coming home. My counciousness still rings. "Just look for a short moment - and if it is realy realy full, open it and empty it." I feel like crap too, and still do nothing.

Anyway - what I realy wanted to say: Death to the person that invented the mailbox!

Dreams (just a link)

http://z0r.de/?id=766

I think thats quite beautiful.

Pizza

Hello,
I ordered a Pizza today, and dimly remembered that I didnt want to do that every again but couldnt remember why. The quite expensive (12 €) pizza promptly came and it didnt taste too bad.

If there wasnt this one particular thing. A weird aftertaste that I could remember from the last time I ordered pizza there. Hmm.

Well, I just came home from having my stomach emptied at the hospital from food poisoning. The 2nd time this year and well thats it. I am going to sue the pizza-company for using rancid ham the 2nd time in a row (well if you can call a 6 months break between those incidents a row).

Anyway I am pissed, angry and HUNGRY.

Meditation is better than Drugs

Hello.
I dont think that this will be new news but as a chronicaly depressed, full with social anxiety, neurotic dude - I am easily bound to be addicted to stuff that changes that, even for a short period of time and with hughe risks.

Butttt, I dont like seeing myself end up robbing some poor old woman just for another fix, so I rather stay sober.

Cigarettes and sweetned stuff (drinks and snaks) are my only addictions I carry out and allow myself.

Alcohol - two beers an evening once a while (~ every 2/3 months once).
Cannabis - I did, for a while, but I am a natural stoner and the two together (me and canabis, that is) is rather depressing. No thank you.

I, to be honest, enjoyed a combination of a tiny bit of LSD and ecstasy.
I didnt dance, I did nothing but cry at the beauty of the world I saw and how wonderfull it was to love the people around me, and that without exeption.

I was shocked and affraid and amazed. But when you are given a tool to eradicate all your problems superficialy at the expense of reality, at least I dont have to think twice: This can and will never happen again. Its too great to even allow myself to try that once more and that this thought, after 7 years still makes me sad is quite telling, I think.

Blabla, "MATTHIAS why no mention of Meditation so far, when its in the title?"

If thats what you are asking yourself, here the awnser.

I can recreate this somehow.
When I meditate I have a 1/10 chance of something like that and its always the same.

First my vision starts to slowly fade into whiteness. Tiny stars forming. Just like when you are about to pass out (just in white, not black) or your hyperventilating. Then suddenly my vision turns entirly black (I meditate with open eyes). In the center of this blackness its even more black. In fact everything else is nothing (therefore black) but the middle is entire blackness and not just nothingness.

This blackness explodes, into millions of colorfull nebulas. Galaxies, Stars and Planets alike form. Past, Present and Future all happening at the same time while I am watching from the middle of the "Universe".

Sure, I gave those things names, by what I associate with them and I just see those things because they resemble what I learned looks like that but bla.

Its amazing. I can see what happens in the whole galaxy as well as on atomic level and everything in between. Colors grow to live on these planets, form species, they extinct, new one gets born. This happenes everywhere and then everything gets suddenly slower. usualy I loose focus and regain conciousness but once I continued.

The whole colorfull brightness slwoly got colder and dim and at its darkest point it was like the beginning. Everything than moves slowly to the center, getting dimmer and dimmer. and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz nothingness again.

Everytime I make it to the part or beyond I usualy regain conciousness I cry already when "waking up" as I am too overwhelmed, happy and sad at the same time.

Sad? Yup. I have this thing, this idea, those pictures in my head and I know I cant store them, even worse - as I wrote in my diary when it first happened (in german mind you): "I dont know what to write, it was so beautiful. Everything at the same time. Ah I just stop writing and keep crying happily, its an insult to what happened to even try to write about it, anyway."

The medical explanation of this are propably one of those (or a combination):
hyperventilating
cutting off blood circuit to extremities and head to much
sleep deprivation
or as in meditation supposed: left brain half shuts up
and my neglected and supresesd creative side bursts out as it only has a short time.

Nationalratswahlen 2008 Österreich

There are going to be elections in Austria, this sunday and I already prepared and practiced the various penises, robots, flowers, smiley-faces and other stuff I am going to draw onto the ballot.

Yay for artistic expression!
Yay for voting!

Booo for over-payed soap opera actors and circus clowns in suits.

Carpets, Camels & Beduin-Girls

Hello,

There is this lovley lady on the internets, called Callie, who recently blogged about carpets and old stuff. My old appartment was full of them and most of them where bought by my mother.

If you have loads of cash and are into antiques I think thats what you have to do, but I dont realy know.

When I was younger and we are talking about realy much younger (11 years back = me 16), I backpacked through europe on several summer-holiday-occasions. Also known as Inter-rail.

You buy a train-ticket to "everywhere" known as Interrail ticket. This allows you to take ever train (well not the realy fast ones - but...) for "free". Armed with this, a backpack, clothes, a map, a frying pan (dont ask me and dont laugh) and money I ventured through europe.

Usualy I did what my parents teached me to do, go from cultural site to cultural site and of course, if you sleep 1/3 of the days in some random parks because you couldnt find an afordable youth-hostel, and its in the midst of summer - you start smelling and you start being exhausted.

So somewhere in the middle of spain I decided I would hit the coast and spend 2-3 days relaxing and not torturing my self with more culture. This also was intended to provide me an ability to wash my clothes and dry them. Yup, I only washed them on bathroom sinks and "dried" them IN my backpack (smart, huh?).

For whatever reasons I ended on the sout-coast of spain, where it hit me.

I have NEVER EVER been to another continent and decided this had to change.

I went to gibraltar, bought a ferry ticket and finaly I was in Africa, in Morroco.
It was awsome. Not too diffrent to spain (climate-wise) but there was a hughe friggin bazzar, camels!!! and other wonderfull stuff.

And this is where I met some beduins. They had some inofficial "shops" improvised and eventhough the carpets they sold didnt look to legit and "ancient" as they claimed, I wanted one as a sovenir and gift for my mom.

Sadly - as my trip was coming to an end and I was short on money, it seemed like we wouldnt come to an agreement. I wanted some food and drinks for my last 4 days and my extremly tiring train-ride to vienna and there seemed to be no option, when suddenly that man pointed at my pants. First I was afraid he wanted sex as he pointed at my crotch but I think my reaction and shock was so clear that he waved his pants around.

Anyway, a moment later I was undressing infront of that man and his 4 rather beautiful girls, who giggled and blushed and laughed during the whole process, and some camels that where rather indifferent to my public humiliation.

Anyway, thats my carpetstory.
And if you want to know what happened to the carpet - I fell asleep during my 2 day-trainride (obviously) and someone stole it. :-/

OMG guise, this is so exiciting! I AM BLOGGING

I said I wouldn't blog here, but I have this thing I dont know where to put it and for whatever reason I still want it to throw it out into the bloggosphere for whatever reasons I have.

This, the fact that I am blogging to you semi-live, makes me a hypocrite, right?
Yeah Yeah Yeah.

Wich leads me to what I want to talk about. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

I used to love this band, a lot. The thing I am having latley is that, and this honestly is a reoccuring problem, their music doesn't realy "touch", "move" or influence me anymore. I guess I listened too often too them, and lets just face it. The music is realy simple, the only thing it has going for it is the aggresive nature and rhytm in addition to the voice of the singer.

The only reason I still listen to them is that I think the singer is extremly attractive and not just because of her voice and the aura of danger that sourounds her.

Yup, there I said it, but its not just that, its the same with Crystal Castles and quite a lot of bands/singer-songwriter latly.

This provides myself with quite a lot of things to think about, wich I am sort of thank full for, also the fact that THIS IS PUBERTY wich I think is quite hilarious (not like the dead horse that 300 and all references to it now resemble).

With all of those things being written, there is just one more thing to say:
If it wasn't obvious already, I still like girls with bangs, but the new relevation, a.k.a. the "this just in" part of this blog - I obviously have a thing going for asian/half-asian girls latley. Thats not just shallow and depressing it might have roots in IAREL. Whait wat? Yup. Not just was Lisa quarter-asian, or my first love (her name is Brigitte and I am able to anoy every person that knows me fairly well by just mentioning her - as I have done that too often) half-asian - so was the last (and my 3rd evar) one-night stand that occured last thursday but and then my mom got scared and sent me to my aunties and my uncles in bel air.

I usualy blog three to four times a week.

But what I write there is not suposed to be read by people that know me, or know how I look.
I just hope that I dont accidentaly post with one of those two accounts to people that know me.

To be honest. Over there I care about spelling and grammar errors. Amazing, right?